So you watched Sons of Anarchy a few too many times, bought yourself a leather vest off Amazon, and now you think it’s time to start your very own motorcycle club. After all, how hard can it be, right? A few patches, a catchy name, maybe a group chat and boom — instant brotherhood.
Wrong.
Here’s a step-by-step guide for how to absolutely make sure you crash, burn, and probably piss off every real club in your area in the process.
Step 1: Come Up with the Dumbest Name Possible
Make sure your name has absolutely no originality. Bonus points if it includes overused terms like “Reapers,” “Riders,” “Syndicate,” or “Nomad” (even though you’ve never left your zip code). If you really want to start strong, slap on a skull with flames and a sword for your logo. That’s never been done before.
Step 2: Make a Sick Patch Design in Canva
Don’t worry about symbolism or meaning. Just toss in some clip art and Google a cool font. Make sure you use a three-piece patch setup with a bottom rocker that claims territory — especially if you haven’t told the dominant in your area. What could go wrong?
Step 3: Skip the Hard Work — Just Patch In Your Friends
Why waste time with a hang-around or prospect phase? You’ve been friends since middle school, and that should count for something. Just hand out patches like it’s a bake sale.
Step 4: Order Your Cuts on Etsy and Post Your Patch to Facebook Before Meeting the Dominant Club
Nothing says “respect for protocol” like announcing your new club to the world before so much as shaking hands with the dominant club in your region. Even better if you post a Reel about your “MC journey” set to Nickelback.
Step 5: Refer to Everyone as ‘Brother’ Immediately
Start calling other bikers “brother” even if you’ve never met them. This is a great way to fast-track your education — usually in the form of a public dressing-down or a black eye.
Step 6: Give Yourself a Road Name
Skip the years of stories and bonding. Just go ahead and name yourself something tough, like “Reaper,” “Blaze,” or “Solo.” Bonus cringe points if you tattoo it on yourself before anyone else even uses it.
Step 7: Start Your Own Set of Rules and Bylaws Without Ever Being in a Club
Why learn from experience when you can write your own fictional MC constitution based on Reddit threads and fan fiction? Make sure to include something about “total loyalty,” even though you ghosted your last group ride because your ex texted.
Step 8: Immediately Plan a Charity Run for Attention
Because nothing builds a brotherhood like awkwardly trying to host an event to look legit. Make sure no one in your “club” knows the route, the rules, or basic etiquette, and don’t forget to tag every 1% club in your area when promoting it.
Step 9: Never Learn Protocol, Etiquette, or History
That stuff’s for old guys, right? You don’t need to know the difference between an MC and an RC. You’ve got passion. And stickers.
Step 10: When Things Go Bad, Claim You’re a Victim
When the local dominant sits you down or sends someone to “have a talk,” immediately take to social media and cry about how unfair it all is. Bonus points for using hashtags like #BikerRights and #BrotherhoodForever.
Final Thoughts:
Starting a club isn’t for everyone — especially not for dumbasses. If you’re doing it to be cool, play dress-up, or avoid putting in real time with real people, then stay home, polish your chrome, and keep playing outlaw on GTA.
But if you’re serious? If you understand what respect, brotherhood, and sacrifice mean? Then maybe — just maybe — you’ll figure out that the path to real MC life doesn’t start on Etsy or end in a group text.
But hey… what do we know?